I need to write. Since I can't talk to anyone. Because you know when you want to talk to someone it's usually because you want to rant. Then all you rant about are the bad things that happen, not always the good things. And I don't want to talk to my friends about all the bad things because then they will judge and that's also not what I want. They would get these preconcieved notions about what's going on and decide to lecture me about my life when all I need is just someone to sit there and listen. Someone to just BE there to listen to me. Because I can't take this bottling everything inside. The ONLY person I have to talk to is Shawn. While I love talking to him and all - I can't talk to him about him. He always gets irritated or angry and that's the last thing I need right now.
I'm so sick to my stomach from everything that has happened lately. And I don't even know why I'm typing this all out because it isn't like anyone is going to read this. So it really is still going to bottled up inside me still... boiling inside until I'm ready to explode. The boiling point has reached my neck by now and I can't hold in much more before the top overflows.
I'm physically sick to my stomach right now. Why? Because:
1. I'm hungry. Shawn was supposed to be home by 8:30 (or so he said) and it's now 11:24.
2. He decided to go get high smoking crack with MY money that he took out of MY account thinking I wouldn't notice and that he would just replace it with the money he was getting by working with Darren. (That money from Darren could have been used in addition to the money I had in my account for...)
3. RENT! We don't have RENT money! Our first rent payment and we don't have it! What the HELL am I going to do!?
4. Shawn has people to talk to. I don't. Jealousy? Call it what you want. He can talk to Jesse and Darren and Gary and whoever else he comes in contact with when he leaves me here at the house. Who do I have? NO ONE. Hence the boiling/bottling. Oh - there's people I can talk to. But then they would do the judging, etc... that I spoke about above.
5. I've told Shawn he is at strike 2 7/8ths. I don't know how much more bullshit from him I can take. I'm trying to be understanding. But it's so hard. I love him more than life itself but he keeps fucking up!
6. Once tonight he told me he would be home within 35-40 minutes. I fell asleep and the next thing I knew it was almost 3 hours later. I was pissed. Tried to call him - no answer. Tried to call over and over - no answer. What am I supposed to think then?!
7. Finally get ahold of him and he says later he's on his way home. An HOUR goes by. Still not home. Tried to call AGAIN. STILL no answer. AAHHH I can't do this!
I'm flipping out. Does he really understand why I'm so upset?! What if something bad happened to him - like an accident in my car? What if he was doing something he wasn't supposed to... like out with some girl again or smoking crack again. I worry about this shit EVERY time he doesn't come home within a reasonable time. It makes me worry severely.
I don't know what to do right now. Reoccurring thoughts keep running through my head and aren't of a pleasant variety. I don't know what else to do... but just get it over with. Then there would be no more financial concerns. My parents wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. Shawn could go and get high whenever he wanted because I wouldn't be here to tell him no. The only thing wrong would be that work would be short a person. And I'd feel bad... slightly.
I'm not afraid to die. Not afraid to do it either. Just keep trying to think of a fast, fairly clean way of getting the job done. Because I don't know how much longer I can keep going on how I am.
I'm sick. I'm ONCE again having diarrhea. 2 days later, it continues. I can't go get my medicine yet because Shawn took the car as soon as I brought him home from working with Darren. Still haven't been able to go by Gateway Hospital to go get my doctors note for work. It had better still be there. Called them earlier and they said there wasn't one up there. THERE BETTER FUCKING BE ONE OR I WILL GO THE FUCK OFF.
It will be very soon that I will end up either in jail, in Cross Point, or dead. One of those three. And it won't be very pretty. At all. I'm starting to boil over the top...
I'm so sick to my stomach from everything that has happened lately. And I don't even know why I'm typing this all out because it isn't like anyone is going to read this. So it really is still going to bottled up inside me still... boiling inside until I'm ready to explode. The boiling point has reached my neck by now and I can't hold in much more before the top overflows.
I'm physically sick to my stomach right now. Why? Because:
1. I'm hungry. Shawn was supposed to be home by 8:30 (or so he said) and it's now 11:24.
2. He decided to go get high smoking crack with MY money that he took out of MY account thinking I wouldn't notice and that he would just replace it with the money he was getting by working with Darren. (That money from Darren could have been used in addition to the money I had in my account for...)
3. RENT! We don't have RENT money! Our first rent payment and we don't have it! What the HELL am I going to do!?
4. Shawn has people to talk to. I don't. Jealousy? Call it what you want. He can talk to Jesse and Darren and Gary and whoever else he comes in contact with when he leaves me here at the house. Who do I have? NO ONE. Hence the boiling/bottling. Oh - there's people I can talk to. But then they would do the judging, etc... that I spoke about above.
5. I've told Shawn he is at strike 2 7/8ths. I don't know how much more bullshit from him I can take. I'm trying to be understanding. But it's so hard. I love him more than life itself but he keeps fucking up!
6. Once tonight he told me he would be home within 35-40 minutes. I fell asleep and the next thing I knew it was almost 3 hours later. I was pissed. Tried to call him - no answer. Tried to call over and over - no answer. What am I supposed to think then?!
7. Finally get ahold of him and he says later he's on his way home. An HOUR goes by. Still not home. Tried to call AGAIN. STILL no answer. AAHHH I can't do this!
I'm flipping out. Does he really understand why I'm so upset?! What if something bad happened to him - like an accident in my car? What if he was doing something he wasn't supposed to... like out with some girl again or smoking crack again. I worry about this shit EVERY time he doesn't come home within a reasonable time. It makes me worry severely.
I don't know what to do right now. Reoccurring thoughts keep running through my head and aren't of a pleasant variety. I don't know what else to do... but just get it over with. Then there would be no more financial concerns. My parents wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. Shawn could go and get high whenever he wanted because I wouldn't be here to tell him no. The only thing wrong would be that work would be short a person. And I'd feel bad... slightly.
I'm not afraid to die. Not afraid to do it either. Just keep trying to think of a fast, fairly clean way of getting the job done. Because I don't know how much longer I can keep going on how I am.
I'm sick. I'm ONCE again having diarrhea. 2 days later, it continues. I can't go get my medicine yet because Shawn took the car as soon as I brought him home from working with Darren. Still haven't been able to go by Gateway Hospital to go get my doctors note for work. It had better still be there. Called them earlier and they said there wasn't one up there. THERE BETTER FUCKING BE ONE OR I WILL GO THE FUCK OFF.
It will be very soon that I will end up either in jail, in Cross Point, or dead. One of those three. And it won't be very pretty. At all. I'm starting to boil over the top...
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