Monday, April 25, 2011
Monday, April Twenty-fifth, Two Thousand Eleven
Isn't it unreal that a mere application led the two of us to have a spectacular conversation? That within just a few months we had a real confrontation? Face to face we sat and discussed our situation, our dream, goal, aspiration, and even our education. Now we discuss our love for each others infatuation for one another in honest words with amazing adoration. Just to think that a conversation could lead to a declaration of my love for you and yours for me with total dedication. Very close to the same time, we came to the realization that both of us felt the same way and spoke the validation. The pure and simple observation of one another proved... that two hearts, once broken by revocation, can once again have restoration and love will follow through.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Sickness
I need to write. Since I can't talk to anyone. Because you know when you want to talk to someone it's usually because you want to rant. Then all you rant about are the bad things that happen, not always the good things. And I don't want to talk to my friends about all the bad things because then they will judge and that's also not what I want. They would get these preconcieved notions about what's going on and decide to lecture me about my life when all I need is just someone to sit there and listen. Someone to just BE there to listen to me. Because I can't take this bottling everything inside. The ONLY person I have to talk to is Shawn. While I love talking to him and all - I can't talk to him about him. He always gets irritated or angry and that's the last thing I need right now.
I'm so sick to my stomach from everything that has happened lately. And I don't even know why I'm typing this all out because it isn't like anyone is going to read this. So it really is still going to bottled up inside me still... boiling inside until I'm ready to explode. The boiling point has reached my neck by now and I can't hold in much more before the top overflows.
I'm phyisically sick to my stomach right now. Why? Because:
1. I'm hungry. Shawn was supposed to be home by 8:30 (or so he said) and it's not 11:24.
2. He decided to go get high smoking crack with MY money that he took out of MY account thinking I wouldn't notice and that he would just replace it with the money he was getting by working with Darren. (That money from Darren could have been used in addition to the money I had in my account for...)
3. RENT! We don't have RENT money! Our first rent payment and we don't have it! What the HELL am I going to do!?
4. Shawn has people to talk to. I don't. Jealousy? Call it what you want. He can talk to Jesse and Darren and Gary and whoever else he comes in contact with when he leaves me here at the house. Who do I have? NO ONE. Hence the boiling/bottling. Oh - theres people I can talk to. But then they would do the judging, etc... that I spoke about above.
5. I've told Shawn he is at strike 2 7/8ths. I don't know how much more bullshit from him I can take. I'm trying to be understanding. But its so hard. I love him more than life itself but he keeps fucking up!
6. Once tonight he told me he would be home within 35-40 minutes. I fell asleep and the next thing I knew it was almost 3 hours later. I was pissed. Tried to call him - no answer. Tried to call over and over - no answer. What am I supposed to think then?!
7. Finally get ahold of him and he says later he's on his way home. An HOUR goes by. Still not home. Tried to call AGAIN. STILL no answer. AAHHH I can't do this!
I'm flipping out. Does he really understand why I'm so upset?! What if something bad happened to him - like an accident in my car. What if he was doing something he wasn't supposed to... like out with some girl again or smoking crack again. I worry about this shit EVERY time he doesn't come home within reasonable time. It makes me worry severely.
I don't know what to do right now. Reoccuring thoughts keep running through my head and they aren't of the particularly pleasant variety. I don't know what else to do... but just get it over with. Then there would be no more financial concerns. My parents wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. Shawn could go and get high whenever he wanted because I wouldn't be here to tell him no. The only thing wrong would be that work would be short a person. And I'd feel bad... slightly.
I'm not afraid to die. Not afraid to do it either. Just keep trying to think of a fast, fairly clean way of getting the job done. Because I don't know how much longer I can keep going on how I am.
I'm sick. I'm ONCE again having diarrhea. 2 days later, it continues. I can't go get my medicine yet because Shawn took the car as soon as I brought him home from working with Darren. Still haven't been able to go by Gateway Hospital to go get my doctors note for work. It had better still be there. Called them earlier and they said there wasn't one up there. THERE BETTER FUCKING BE ONE OR I WILL GO THE FUCK OFF.
It will be very soon that I will end up either in jail, in Cross Point, or dead. One of those three. And it won't be very pretty. At all. I'm starting to boil over the top...
I'm so sick to my stomach from everything that has happened lately. And I don't even know why I'm typing this all out because it isn't like anyone is going to read this. So it really is still going to bottled up inside me still... boiling inside until I'm ready to explode. The boiling point has reached my neck by now and I can't hold in much more before the top overflows.
I'm phyisically sick to my stomach right now. Why? Because:
1. I'm hungry. Shawn was supposed to be home by 8:30 (or so he said) and it's not 11:24.
2. He decided to go get high smoking crack with MY money that he took out of MY account thinking I wouldn't notice and that he would just replace it with the money he was getting by working with Darren. (That money from Darren could have been used in addition to the money I had in my account for...)
3. RENT! We don't have RENT money! Our first rent payment and we don't have it! What the HELL am I going to do!?
4. Shawn has people to talk to. I don't. Jealousy? Call it what you want. He can talk to Jesse and Darren and Gary and whoever else he comes in contact with when he leaves me here at the house. Who do I have? NO ONE. Hence the boiling/bottling. Oh - theres people I can talk to. But then they would do the judging, etc... that I spoke about above.
5. I've told Shawn he is at strike 2 7/8ths. I don't know how much more bullshit from him I can take. I'm trying to be understanding. But its so hard. I love him more than life itself but he keeps fucking up!
6. Once tonight he told me he would be home within 35-40 minutes. I fell asleep and the next thing I knew it was almost 3 hours later. I was pissed. Tried to call him - no answer. Tried to call over and over - no answer. What am I supposed to think then?!
7. Finally get ahold of him and he says later he's on his way home. An HOUR goes by. Still not home. Tried to call AGAIN. STILL no answer. AAHHH I can't do this!
I'm flipping out. Does he really understand why I'm so upset?! What if something bad happened to him - like an accident in my car. What if he was doing something he wasn't supposed to... like out with some girl again or smoking crack again. I worry about this shit EVERY time he doesn't come home within reasonable time. It makes me worry severely.
I don't know what to do right now. Reoccuring thoughts keep running through my head and they aren't of the particularly pleasant variety. I don't know what else to do... but just get it over with. Then there would be no more financial concerns. My parents wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. Shawn could go and get high whenever he wanted because I wouldn't be here to tell him no. The only thing wrong would be that work would be short a person. And I'd feel bad... slightly.
I'm not afraid to die. Not afraid to do it either. Just keep trying to think of a fast, fairly clean way of getting the job done. Because I don't know how much longer I can keep going on how I am.
I'm sick. I'm ONCE again having diarrhea. 2 days later, it continues. I can't go get my medicine yet because Shawn took the car as soon as I brought him home from working with Darren. Still haven't been able to go by Gateway Hospital to go get my doctors note for work. It had better still be there. Called them earlier and they said there wasn't one up there. THERE BETTER FUCKING BE ONE OR I WILL GO THE FUCK OFF.
It will be very soon that I will end up either in jail, in Cross Point, or dead. One of those three. And it won't be very pretty. At all. I'm starting to boil over the top...
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Confusion
Confusion
Current mood: confused
Confusion takes your mind over like another case of silence. But remember that silence is never silent. Constantly thinking with thoughts spinning through your head like yesterdays news. Yet yesterdays news is just that. Yesterday. The past. Past that you cannot change.
He was upset at himself. He left because he spilled the cherry coke that hit the delicate turquoise that embraced the girl that ran through his thoughts. He left because he was late in picking up that girl that wore the delicate sweater. She was going to be late for work so she left without him and wasn't happy. Yet he was at the store with his phone to get a new one and get it fixed so she had a means of talking to him. Of course she had to give him hell for not being there on time. But what he didn't know was that when she saw him sneeking around a rack at her job, her heart jumped and her cheeks blushed in a hue of pink that is rare for her skin to feel. His compliments are something she isn't used to.
Every girl has her dreams. Maybe for one it is getting an amazing degree at school. Maybe for another it's having a family and children and everything someday. Mine is a combination of some. But that's a whole other story.
Current mood: confused
Confusion takes your mind over like another case of silence. But remember that silence is never silent. Constantly thinking with thoughts spinning through your head like yesterdays news. Yet yesterdays news is just that. Yesterday. The past. Past that you cannot change.
He was upset at himself. He left because he spilled the cherry coke that hit the delicate turquoise that embraced the girl that ran through his thoughts. He left because he was late in picking up that girl that wore the delicate sweater. She was going to be late for work so she left without him and wasn't happy. Yet he was at the store with his phone to get a new one and get it fixed so she had a means of talking to him. Of course she had to give him hell for not being there on time. But what he didn't know was that when she saw him sneeking around a rack at her job, her heart jumped and her cheeks blushed in a hue of pink that is rare for her skin to feel. His compliments are something she isn't used to.
Every girl has her dreams. Maybe for one it is getting an amazing degree at school. Maybe for another it's having a family and children and everything someday. Mine is a combination of some. But that's a whole other story.
Silence
Silence
Current mood: gloomy
Complete silence is never silent. There will always be thoughts running through your head. There will always be the buzzing of the things you can't here. Sitting in my car, drying my tears, I realized this. My car was off, my seatbelt fastened fittingly around my waist and across my shoulder, my stereo off as well as my phone... when I realized that silence is horribly loud.
Silence will get you no where. If nothing is said... ever... then there's no point in 'trying' as hard as you say you want to. If you're so upset and I'm such a horrible person. The least you could do is say goodbye. I was humiliated, embarassed, furious, and then extremely upset at myself that I dropped my guard again for a guy. I still have the urge to cry with the lump in your throat that won't go away until you let that steady stream of tears run down your cheek and onto that cherry coke covered turquoise sweater. The liquid that comes from the emotions of you heart... The salty device that is brought on my overcoming emotions. Emotions that run from what your heart tells you. Believing your heart that this one might actually be good for and to me. Believing that it's comfortable... when you thought he actually understood you... when you thought he was okay with the jokes because he did the exact same to you.
Yet the realization sets in that he's left you behind. And you don't know why. Why did he just... Leave? Got up and left without looking back? I don't even know if he did look back, cherry coke was running down the table and almost into my lap. He took me too seriously when I joked about his not picking me up. I have to give him shit for that. It's what girls do. It's our nature. We bitch when provoked, and damn it all to hell - I WAS PROVOKED. A phone call was all there had to be made. But nothing. Okay, no big deal. I see him at my work and things are okay. My heart jumped when I saw him trying to surprise me there.
But he left.
Am I that much of a horrible person that he had to get up and leave without saying goodbye? In front of Amy and Jonathan no less? In front of 20 other people that were enjoying a late night/extremely early morning dinner? He joked and cracked jokes on me as much as I did him. I'm too 'sarcastic'. He knew this. We dated before. He brings up stuff that I did 2 years ago. Like I can remember. Sometimes it's like a giant guilt trip. Because I feel like an incredibly horrible person for doing what I apparently did. I feel really bad for 'doing those things' that I did. I'm sorry.
I don't know what I did wrong... and yet I do. I let my guard down for someone I thought I was comfortable with. I don't know if it was his doing or mine that caused him to embarrass me by leaving me there alone and not answering my calls in front of my best friend and her date. Communication. Without it, you have nothing. You can't get through anything without it in a relationship. Even if you don't know what that relationship "is."
Humiliation is like silence. It's torture. It's sometimes unbareable as well. Like watching a girl wear an ill fitted piece of clothing - and obviously seeing that she thinks she looks amazingly hot... when it makes her look like a cow. (Just because it comes in your size, does NOT mean you should wear it.)
Silence as well as humiliation are like a knife slicing through your eardrum only leaving traces of buzzing and thoughts in your head.
Current mood: gloomy
Complete silence is never silent. There will always be thoughts running through your head. There will always be the buzzing of the things you can't here. Sitting in my car, drying my tears, I realized this. My car was off, my seatbelt fastened fittingly around my waist and across my shoulder, my stereo off as well as my phone... when I realized that silence is horribly loud.
Silence will get you no where. If nothing is said... ever... then there's no point in 'trying' as hard as you say you want to. If you're so upset and I'm such a horrible person. The least you could do is say goodbye. I was humiliated, embarassed, furious, and then extremely upset at myself that I dropped my guard again for a guy. I still have the urge to cry with the lump in your throat that won't go away until you let that steady stream of tears run down your cheek and onto that cherry coke covered turquoise sweater. The liquid that comes from the emotions of you heart... The salty device that is brought on my overcoming emotions. Emotions that run from what your heart tells you. Believing your heart that this one might actually be good for and to me. Believing that it's comfortable... when you thought he actually understood you... when you thought he was okay with the jokes because he did the exact same to you.
Yet the realization sets in that he's left you behind. And you don't know why. Why did he just... Leave? Got up and left without looking back? I don't even know if he did look back, cherry coke was running down the table and almost into my lap. He took me too seriously when I joked about his not picking me up. I have to give him shit for that. It's what girls do. It's our nature. We bitch when provoked, and damn it all to hell - I WAS PROVOKED. A phone call was all there had to be made. But nothing. Okay, no big deal. I see him at my work and things are okay. My heart jumped when I saw him trying to surprise me there.
But he left.
Am I that much of a horrible person that he had to get up and leave without saying goodbye? In front of Amy and Jonathan no less? In front of 20 other people that were enjoying a late night/extremely early morning dinner? He joked and cracked jokes on me as much as I did him. I'm too 'sarcastic'. He knew this. We dated before. He brings up stuff that I did 2 years ago. Like I can remember. Sometimes it's like a giant guilt trip. Because I feel like an incredibly horrible person for doing what I apparently did. I feel really bad for 'doing those things' that I did. I'm sorry.
I don't know what I did wrong... and yet I do. I let my guard down for someone I thought I was comfortable with. I don't know if it was his doing or mine that caused him to embarrass me by leaving me there alone and not answering my calls in front of my best friend and her date. Communication. Without it, you have nothing. You can't get through anything without it in a relationship. Even if you don't know what that relationship "is."
Humiliation is like silence. It's torture. It's sometimes unbareable as well. Like watching a girl wear an ill fitted piece of clothing - and obviously seeing that she thinks she looks amazingly hot... when it makes her look like a cow. (Just because it comes in your size, does NOT mean you should wear it.)
Silence as well as humiliation are like a knife slicing through your eardrum only leaving traces of buzzing and thoughts in your head.
Monday, January 17, 2005
"Did that really just happen? Have I actually understood?"
Lauren put an amazing quote that summed up my night...
"And the minuet between the heart and
The breath is my lullaby
And the minuet between the heart and
The breath rocks me every time
And the minuet between the heart and
The breath saves my life
As I lay upon your chest
I'm satisfied"
Lauren put an amazing quote that summed up my night...
"And the minuet between the heart and
The breath is my lullaby
And the minuet between the heart and
The breath rocks me every time
And the minuet between the heart and
The breath saves my life
As I lay upon your chest
I'm satisfied"
Sunday, May 30, 2004
Some exboyfriends should die. Oh wait. He already 'did.'
Some of you know what I went through (fall 2003 semester) with a guy named Chris. Well. Guess what. Not only is he alive, but that SOB sent me 4 messages on my phone last night while I was trying to enjoy Jeni's party.
At first I was thinking, who is sending me this? Because there was no information attached to it at all. No number, email address, or web address. All of them started out with, "We tied the knot!" Like trying to drill it in people's heads that he's married to Anna. Stump knows who Anna is.
Anna is the girl he dated for forever, got engaged to, and broke up with before he dated me. She would come down to see him and they'd spend Sundays together. He wouldn't tell me until after she left and after the 4th Sunday she was down here. Fall festival was fun because she was there. But he wouldn't go near her when he was with me. I knew he was still seeing her. I knew it.
Chris faked his death on October 15th. He went missing that Monday night and the police supposedly found him on the 15th. He supposedly shot himself in the heart. Who in the right mind would FAKE a SUICIDE??? (Keep in mind this was only 3 months since my own cousin took his own life.) Seriously messed up, right?
Well, this had - at the time - ruined my life. I'm not exaggerating. Chris had made a reputation of himself behind my back and I didn't know about it. He lied to me about his age. 22? Uh no. That asshole was 30. And no, you couldn't tell. He had everyone fooled. Including his fraternity brothers. (TKE) Get this. He was also a registered sex offender!!! He was charged with RAPE! Rape, people!!! That could have been me! Well - he felt the need to tell everyone in his classes that he was this. Only he twisted the story. Said she concented. She looked 19 and he believed her. I found out that she was 14 and it was force. Sick. He was 22 at the time. Really this time. Now everyone knew that Chris and I were dating. So after his 'death' everything came out of the woodwork. And everyone tied my name to his. I had to clear out my own, once clean now not thanks to him, reputation. It took a long time to do. Go to google and type in Indiana Registered Sex Offenders. You'll find a site to search for someone. He's there. Christopher Gordon Sexton. dob: November 23, 1973. See for yourself. He had to re-register in January - that's how I found out he was alive. I -by chance- was showing Ben something 'really messed up.' There he was. Alive and kicking.
So I sent him back a message. "I never want to hear from you again. You're dead to me." Because he is. He, in my eyes and thoughts... is dead.
The freak sends me 3 more messages and I don't respond. Apparently he didn't take the hint.
Message 2: "If you wanna talk please send me a message on my old email address topher7399@yahoo.com." (By the way - if you feel the need to yell at this guy and tell him to leave me alone and stay out of my life and stop ruining it by trying to get in contact with me, by all means. Feel free.)
Message 3: "Stacie I don't know what all has been said, but I had no idea what my brother was telling people." (He sent an email that only he could have written. Telling me things only he would know. He lied again in that message. I'm not so naive anymore. I'm not stupid.)
Message 4: "When I left he said that he was gonna take care of things. I didn't know he ment the wrong way." (Lies.)
I'm ready to call sprint and somehow have him blocked from sending any kind of messages. He's out of my life and will never ever be a part of it again.
Okay... /rant. I just needed to get that out of my system. I'm okay, just frustrated because I never wanted to hear from him again.
*Edit* Thank you Natalie, Jeni, Burgdorf, and Leeland for getting my mind off of this jerk. Thank you to Luke who is an awesome guy that made me feel better with just a phone call. You rock and I thank you. Good luck overseas and may God be with you.
At first I was thinking, who is sending me this? Because there was no information attached to it at all. No number, email address, or web address. All of them started out with, "We tied the knot!" Like trying to drill it in people's heads that he's married to Anna. Stump knows who Anna is.
Anna is the girl he dated for forever, got engaged to, and broke up with before he dated me. She would come down to see him and they'd spend Sundays together. He wouldn't tell me until after she left and after the 4th Sunday she was down here. Fall festival was fun because she was there. But he wouldn't go near her when he was with me. I knew he was still seeing her. I knew it.
Chris faked his death on October 15th. He went missing that Monday night and the police supposedly found him on the 15th. He supposedly shot himself in the heart. Who in the right mind would FAKE a SUICIDE??? (Keep in mind this was only 3 months since my own cousin took his own life.) Seriously messed up, right?
Well, this had - at the time - ruined my life. I'm not exaggerating. Chris had made a reputation of himself behind my back and I didn't know about it. He lied to me about his age. 22? Uh no. That asshole was 30. And no, you couldn't tell. He had everyone fooled. Including his fraternity brothers. (TKE) Get this. He was also a registered sex offender!!! He was charged with RAPE! Rape, people!!! That could have been me! Well - he felt the need to tell everyone in his classes that he was this. Only he twisted the story. Said she concented. She looked 19 and he believed her. I found out that she was 14 and it was force. Sick. He was 22 at the time. Really this time. Now everyone knew that Chris and I were dating. So after his 'death' everything came out of the woodwork. And everyone tied my name to his. I had to clear out my own, once clean now not thanks to him, reputation. It took a long time to do. Go to google and type in Indiana Registered Sex Offenders. You'll find a site to search for someone. He's there. Christopher Gordon Sexton. dob: November 23, 1973. See for yourself. He had to re-register in January - that's how I found out he was alive. I -by chance- was showing Ben something 'really messed up.' There he was. Alive and kicking.
So I sent him back a message. "I never want to hear from you again. You're dead to me." Because he is. He, in my eyes and thoughts... is dead.
The freak sends me 3 more messages and I don't respond. Apparently he didn't take the hint.
Message 2: "If you wanna talk please send me a message on my old email address topher7399@yahoo.com." (By the way - if you feel the need to yell at this guy and tell him to leave me alone and stay out of my life and stop ruining it by trying to get in contact with me, by all means. Feel free.)
Message 3: "Stacie I don't know what all has been said, but I had no idea what my brother was telling people." (He sent an email that only he could have written. Telling me things only he would know. He lied again in that message. I'm not so naive anymore. I'm not stupid.)
Message 4: "When I left he said that he was gonna take care of things. I didn't know he ment the wrong way." (Lies.)
I'm ready to call sprint and somehow have him blocked from sending any kind of messages. He's out of my life and will never ever be a part of it again.
Okay... /rant. I just needed to get that out of my system. I'm okay, just frustrated because I never wanted to hear from him again.
*Edit* Thank you Natalie, Jeni, Burgdorf, and Leeland for getting my mind off of this jerk. Thank you to Luke who is an awesome guy that made me feel better with just a phone call. You rock and I thank you. Good luck overseas and may God be with you.
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Why?
So the depression hasn't left yet... because I got this strong wave over me today... I feel very unwanted for some reason. Just completely useless...
I'm really hoping that's not true... but it really does feel like it... I'm completely unattractive... which tells me that no one would want me. I'm ugly - overweight... am a complete bitch... useless... am good to no one... and just good for nothing...
yeah... not cool. I'm just not cool... bottom line...
I'm really hoping that's not true... but it really does feel like it... I'm completely unattractive... which tells me that no one would want me. I'm ugly - overweight... am a complete bitch... useless... am good to no one... and just good for nothing...
yeah... not cool. I'm just not cool... bottom line...
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