Silence
Current mood: gloomy
Complete silence is never silent. There will always be thoughts running through your head. There will always be the buzzing of the things you can't here. Sitting in my car, drying my tears, I realized this. My car was off, my seatbelt fastened fittingly around my waist and across my shoulder, my stereo off as well as my phone... when I realized that silence is horribly loud.
Silence will get you no where. If nothing is said... ever... then there's no point in 'trying' as hard as you say you want to. If you're so upset and I'm such a horrible person. The least you could do is say goodbye. I was humiliated, embarassed, furious, and then extremely upset at myself that I dropped my guard again for a guy. I still have the urge to cry with the lump in your throat that won't go away until you let that steady stream of tears run down your cheek and onto that cherry coke covered turquoise sweater. The liquid that comes from the emotions of you heart... The salty device that is brought on my overcoming emotions. Emotions that run from what your heart tells you. Believing your heart that this one might actually be good for and to me. Believing that it's comfortable... when you thought he actually understood you... when you thought he was okay with the jokes because he did the exact same to you.
Yet the realization sets in that he's left you behind. And you don't know why. Why did he just... Leave? Got up and left without looking back? I don't even know if he did look back, cherry coke was running down the table and almost into my lap. He took me too seriously when I joked about his not picking me up. I have to give him shit for that. It's what girls do. It's our nature. We bitch when provoked, and damn it all to hell - I WAS PROVOKED. A phone call was all there had to be made. But nothing. Okay, no big deal. I see him at my work and things are okay. My heart jumped when I saw him trying to surprise me there.
But he left.
Am I that much of a horrible person that he had to get up and leave without saying goodbye? In front of Amy and Jonathan no less? In front of 20 other people that were enjoying a late night/extremely early morning dinner? He joked and cracked jokes on me as much as I did him. I'm too 'sarcastic'. He knew this. We dated before. He brings up stuff that I did 2 years ago. Like I can remember. Sometimes it's like a giant guilt trip. Because I feel like an incredibly horrible person for doing what I apparently did. I feel really bad for 'doing those things' that I did. I'm sorry.
I don't know what I did wrong... and yet I do. I let my guard down for someone I thought I was comfortable with. I don't know if it was his doing or mine that caused him to embarrass me by leaving me there alone and not answering my calls in front of my best friend and her date. Communication. Without it, you have nothing. You can't get through anything without it in a relationship. Even if you don't know what that relationship "is."
Humiliation is like silence. It's torture. It's sometimes unbareable as well. Like watching a girl wear an ill fitted piece of clothing - and obviously seeing that she thinks she looks amazingly hot... when it makes her look like a cow. (Just because it comes in your size, does NOT mean you should wear it.)
Silence as well as humiliation are like a knife slicing through your eardrum only leaving traces of buzzing and thoughts in your head.
Current mood: gloomy
Complete silence is never silent. There will always be thoughts running through your head. There will always be the buzzing of the things you can't here. Sitting in my car, drying my tears, I realized this. My car was off, my seatbelt fastened fittingly around my waist and across my shoulder, my stereo off as well as my phone... when I realized that silence is horribly loud.
Silence will get you no where. If nothing is said... ever... then there's no point in 'trying' as hard as you say you want to. If you're so upset and I'm such a horrible person. The least you could do is say goodbye. I was humiliated, embarassed, furious, and then extremely upset at myself that I dropped my guard again for a guy. I still have the urge to cry with the lump in your throat that won't go away until you let that steady stream of tears run down your cheek and onto that cherry coke covered turquoise sweater. The liquid that comes from the emotions of you heart... The salty device that is brought on my overcoming emotions. Emotions that run from what your heart tells you. Believing your heart that this one might actually be good for and to me. Believing that it's comfortable... when you thought he actually understood you... when you thought he was okay with the jokes because he did the exact same to you.
Yet the realization sets in that he's left you behind. And you don't know why. Why did he just... Leave? Got up and left without looking back? I don't even know if he did look back, cherry coke was running down the table and almost into my lap. He took me too seriously when I joked about his not picking me up. I have to give him shit for that. It's what girls do. It's our nature. We bitch when provoked, and damn it all to hell - I WAS PROVOKED. A phone call was all there had to be made. But nothing. Okay, no big deal. I see him at my work and things are okay. My heart jumped when I saw him trying to surprise me there.
But he left.
Am I that much of a horrible person that he had to get up and leave without saying goodbye? In front of Amy and Jonathan no less? In front of 20 other people that were enjoying a late night/extremely early morning dinner? He joked and cracked jokes on me as much as I did him. I'm too 'sarcastic'. He knew this. We dated before. He brings up stuff that I did 2 years ago. Like I can remember. Sometimes it's like a giant guilt trip. Because I feel like an incredibly horrible person for doing what I apparently did. I feel really bad for 'doing those things' that I did. I'm sorry.
I don't know what I did wrong... and yet I do. I let my guard down for someone I thought I was comfortable with. I don't know if it was his doing or mine that caused him to embarrass me by leaving me there alone and not answering my calls in front of my best friend and her date. Communication. Without it, you have nothing. You can't get through anything without it in a relationship. Even if you don't know what that relationship "is."
Humiliation is like silence. It's torture. It's sometimes unbareable as well. Like watching a girl wear an ill fitted piece of clothing - and obviously seeing that she thinks she looks amazingly hot... when it makes her look like a cow. (Just because it comes in your size, does NOT mean you should wear it.)
Silence as well as humiliation are like a knife slicing through your eardrum only leaving traces of buzzing and thoughts in your head.
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